Should He Kill Himself?

Yes, ¡Jabe! Bush should self-deliver. Oh wait, we’re not talking about Jeb jebbing himself?

A reader preferring the nom de plume Fetus Face emails:

I’ve never held a woman romantically in my arms ever, never got a hug, never kissed a woman on the lips.

I have 2 questions:
-Should I kill myself?
-Are these facts beta enough to be beta of the month/year/eternity?

I like your blog though, because it’s funny. So I guess I’m not going to kill myself because then I wouldn’t be able to read your blog. But the second question still remains.

Good to see you’ve answered your first question. I don’t like being put in a tough spot. Anyhow, when you’re dead, no game in the world will help you get pussy. (Unless you want to go the Elliot Roger route and leave a spirit-world legacy that slays pussy.)

At least staying alive gives you a chance, however small, to learn how to be more charismatic. “So you’re saying that there’s a chance!” Yes, this is the Current Year (for a little while longer), and I’m saying there’s a chance. Maybe your odds will change in the next Current Year. (In between Current Years, when the clock strikes midnight, the shitlib hordes enter a brief hibernation when they are vulnerable to attack.)

You didn’t mention your age. If you’re 14 and never touched a woman, that’s not cause for self-termination. At 60…. perhaps too late to start the training. Really, I don’t see a point in living without pussy or love. I suppose you could join a monastery and monk it up, forswearing all earthly pleasures, but where’s the fun in that?

Hilariously, there’s nothing special about your condition. There are millions of loser guys in the world who haven’t touched a woman’s hooha or felt the exquisite joy of being loved by the conscious carrying vessel for that hooha. It takes something more than garden variety involuntary celibacy to descend to the lowly rank of Beta of the Month winner. Therefore, the committee must regretfully inform you that the facts as we know them do not qualify you to be a BOTM candidate. If this pushes you further into despair, you could always cheer yourself up by pointing and laughing at life’s even bigger losers.